Slipping
by MadHarlequin
Summary: Post-Magic's Price. Stefen feels sorry for himself. A lot. But then he gets some sense knocked into him.


  
Title: Slipping  
Author: Maggie, HarleyQuinn220@aol.com  
Fandom: Mercedes Lackey's The Last Herald Mage Series  
Disclaimer: Everything here is owned by the lovely Mercedes Lackey who wrote this amazing series.  
Notes: Unbeta'd because I don't know anyone in this fandom. This might be the first part of a longer Medren/Stefen series, I haven't decided yet. If it does get longer and anyone wants to beta for me, email me at HarleyQuinn220@aol.com.  
Summary: Stefen feels sorry for himself. A lot. But then he has some sense knocked into him.  
  
  
  
In the months that followed Vanyel's death Stefen had been torn apart. On the outside he was still Bard Stefen mourning for his lost love, but as each day passed he'd felt a part of him slip away. At first he'd thought it was just grief for Vanyel, but after a visit from the Hawkbrothers things had become clearer to him. Once the news of Vanyel and Savil's deaths reached them Moondance, Starwind, and Brightstar had Gated to Forst Reach where Stefen had retreated since he'd returned from his journey alone.  
  
Lady Treesa and Lord Withen had also returned to Forst Reach to mourn their son. Withen had not shown any outward emotion, but one only had to look into his eyes to see that he was regretting more than ever the lack of love he'd shared with Vanyel while he was alive and the fact that he'd never be able to make it up to him. Treesa alternated between sobbing and throwing fits. One moment crying into Stefen's arms, the next screeching and clawing at him, blaming him for her son's death, blaming him that her son had been shaych, claiming he'd conspired with Vanyel's killers. Stefen ignored her half-mad accusations. What she thought didn't matter. Nothing mattered, except that Vanyel was dead. He wanted to die too, but Vanyel had made him promise to live.  
  
He wanted to get out of Forst Reach, to get back to Haven and start working on the task Vanyel had entrusted to him after his death, but he couldn't. Medren was refusing to let him out of his sight until he was assured that Stefen wouldn't try to do anything stupid. He'd tried to explain to Medren that he wouldn't kill himself, he couldn't die until he'd completed his task, but Medren hadn't believed him.  
  
But once the Hawkbrothers arrived, arrived with that one tidbit of information, Stefen didn't care about any quest, didn't care about suicide, he just wanted out. Out of Forst Reach, out of any memories of Vanyel, out of anything that had to do with Bards or Heralds or Valdemar. Only cared about one thing--he'd been used. Vanyel used him. That bastard.  
  
Soon after they'd arrived Moondance and Starwind had pulled him aside; telling him there was something he needed to know. Starwind had told him that Vanyel hadn't loved him at all.   
Oh, of course he hadn't worded it that way. He'd told him that he was really a reincarnation of Vanyel's lost love, Tylendel. That was why they'd been lifebonded. It hadn't been that Stefen's and Vanyel's love was exceptionally strong, it was because it was an echo of what he'd had with Tylendel. After he'd learned this, he'd quickly left the room. He'd ran up to the room he was staying in--the room he'd shared with Vanyel when they were there together, packed what he'd needed, stolen a horse from the stables, and run.  
  
He couldn't stay there. He had to leave...start over. Get himself away from everything Vanyel. Everything Tylendel. Once he'd been far enough away from Forst Reach to avoid being caught by any well-meaning Ashkevrons he'd broken down. He scratched at his face, torn his hair and screamed. Screamed at whatever was inside him to get the fuck out. He didn't want to be Tylendel, he was Stefen. No wonder behaved so uncharacteristically when he was with Vanyel. It wasn't him at all.  
  
And Vanyel had known. Known it wasn't him. Both Starwind and Moondance had assured him that Vanyel hadn't been told. That their relationship had developed without the baggage of Vanyel's relationship with 'Lendel. But they didn't know. Vanyel must have realized him. He'd fucked Stefen, whispered words of love to Stephen, but the whole time it had really been Tylendel he'd loved. Stefen was just a tool for Tylendel and Vanyel to use.   
  
Was there even a Stefen? Who was he? Was he Tylendel? Was there no Stefen at all, but just Tylendel in a new body? Or was he part Stefen and part Tylendel? Had he been Stefen all his life, but had Tylendel's ghost forced into his head when he met Vanyel? Could Vanyel have ever felt anything for Stefen if there hadn't been any Tylendel within him?  
  
All these questions and more swirled around Stefen/Tylendel's mind as he broke down in harsh sobs. After he'd finished crying, he continued running. He didn't know who he was and there was no way he was going to find out in places with reminders of Vanyel lurking in every corner.  
  
Since then he'd felt a piece of him slip away every day. He'd realized what it was. The part of him that was Tylendel was leaving him. At first it had worried him, but as it continued he found it made it easier for him to think. Stefen liked to think that the Tylendel parts of him were returning to Vanyel and the two of them were going to be together in the afterlife forever. Just as they should have been in this life.  
  
And Stefen...Stefen was finally able to begin his life anew. He'd run far away from Valdemar, far past the borders, and into a secluded life. Away from any burdens of a past life. And he was beginning to approach a kind of happiness. Or at least peace. He was sure that once the last of the Lendel parts of him had left he'd be happy. Which was why he was so shocked when Medren showed up one day.  
  
"Medren..." he'd said, shocked.  
  
"Stefen." replied Medren with a look in his eyes that showed he was unsure whether he should punch Stefen in the gut or give him a hug.  
  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"What am I doing here? I've only been looking for you ever since you ran out on us! It's been almost a year!" he replied angrily. Surprise went through Stefen's mind at that. Had it really been a year? He hadn't been keeping track of time, the days and weeks had bled into each other, but he hadn't realized it had been so long. "I thought you were dead, but the Hawkbrothers paid me a visit told me that you were alive and what you'd done. I was going to go after you immediately, but then they said you needed time. Well you've had your time, are you going to come home or are you going to hide from everything for the rest of your life?"   
  
"I see. Did the Hawkbrothers tell you anything else of interest?"  
  
"You mean that part of you is Tylendel?"  
  
Stefen grimaced. "Yes. That part of me is Tylendel. And that Vanyel never loved me at all, but the ghost of his one true love."  
  
"Never loved you? Are you that stupid?"  
  
"Stupid? Vanyel never loved me. He loved a part of me that he'd known in a previous life. The part of me that's me he never knew or loved. And I probably never loved him either."  
  
It looked like Medren was regretting not punching him in the gut when he'd got there. "You idiot. My uncle loved you. Loved you. And you...you were in love with him from the minute you heard those songs about his exploits. And you have the nerve to stand there and deny you ever had anything!?"  
  
"You don't understand, Medren. He loved Tylendel and Tylendel loved him. I was never part of any of it. And now the part of me that was Tylendel is slipping away to join his love in the afterlife. I have no duty to either of them."  
  
"You can't honestly believe that. What about that...that quest that you said Vanyel gave you."  
  
"It wasn't me he wanted to do anything. He wanted Tylendel to do that. Well, more of Tylendel joins Vanyel every day and that 'quest' is none of my concern."  
  
"Stefen...do you really believe all this? Or are you just trying to avoid facing the fact that you really did love him."  
  
  
"Don't..." he could feel his voice start to crack. He couldn't cry. No. He was moving on. "Don't try and make it into something it wasn't. My body was a tool that they used to...to revive their love. Anything I felt didn't enter into it."  
  
Stefen could feel tears trying to escape, he squeezed his eyes shut to keep them in. He felt Medren move closer to him, put his arms around him. He put his head on the other bard's shoulder and began to cry.  
  
Medren stroked Stefen's hair, "Stefen," he whispered, "if that were true do you really think that Savil or Starwind or Moondance would have let your relationship with Vanyel continue? They wouldn't have wanted you to be used like that."  
  
Stefen didn't try to stop the tears now, "They...they just wanted to see Vanyel happy. And Savil w-wanted Lendel back so they didn't...didn't say anything"  
  
Medren pulled away from him, "Stefen," he said. "I've had just enough of you talking about my dead kin like that. My uncle loved you. My great-aunt knew he loved you and wanted you happy. Both of them were good people who would never want to see anyone used the way you're describing, even if it did bring back someone they'd both loved."  
  
Stefen looked at him and realized he was right. And felt like the biggest jerk that'd ever lived for believing otherwise of his Van-Tylendel's Van--of Vanyel. And then the guilt of hiding out all this time hit him harder than Medren ever could have. 'Vanyel had wanted me to finish his work,' he thought to himself. 'He had trusted me to keep my word. And I had betrayed that trust.'  
  
"Medren..." he whispered, "I think that perhaps I should return to haven."  
  
Medren grinned; he pulled Stefen into a bear hug. "That's more like it!" he exclaimed. "Do you have anything here you want to bring with you?"  
  
Stefen shook his head, "No. No I think we should get back to Haven as soon as possible. I have a promise to keep after all."  
  
He flashed Medren a grin and, for the first time in ages, felt like his old self again.  



End file.
